On Weird travels and Outer Friends
by SomeOuterWriter
Summary: A bored, clingy, extremely OP girlfriend sends her reluctant boyfriend to the world of TES. Her goal: madness, adventure and cheese. Hilarity ensues.
1. Prologue

-Last Seed, 18th, 4E 201-

"Let me get this straight" I started while eating my hard earned treat. "You want me to go to the world of Skyrim with no abilities, no backup, and no incentive besides the fact that you are bored?"

"Yep" Says the thin- I mean, the most beautiful, sexy and intelligent female I know, who just happens to be able to glimpse at my thoughts in the most inopportune moments. "What do you say?"

"I refuse" clearly, the only sane response to any of her requests. Unfortunately it is for naught, as I can count the times I have succesfully deflected her attempts at making me do something I do not want to with one hand. And spare fingers. "You are always bored, suck it up. And why the restrictions? Don't you usually want to change things the most? Canon divergence and all that?"

"Because-" she gulps the cake she was munching on "-you always do the same. Curb stomp your enemies, break some minds, and play the hero. It's funny but repetitive. You are too impersonal, too quick and meticulous. So I figured your creative side would float to the surface with some restrictions. And stop trying to take my cake!"

I rub my sore hand, veteran to the hits of the dreaded spoon of DOOM. "If you just want handicapped entertainment then send some of your damm followers. And who bought that cake in the first place?!"

"My 'damm followers' are either fanatical, evil or mad. Anybody else I could send would fight me all the story"

"And I won't fight you?" I send her my most incredulous stare.

"You will, but you won't keep looking over your shoulder all the time, trying to anticipate all my actions and/or amassing power just to try to kill me. We can dish each other casually with no repercussions. Besides-" she interrupts herself, bringing the spoon to her mouth, teasingly licking it all over, grin in her face and lust in her eyes "-I can make it worth your time"

She shifts over the table, her small body not making any noise, to the point of feeling completely unnatural. Her smirk grows once she reaches my cushion, straddling me and putting the still warm spoon in my mouth, her deep red eyes just a few centimeters apart from mine. Her cold breath sending shivers through my body.

Man, I have it bad.

One make-out session later.

"If I am gonna accede to this" I commence once I get some breath. "I want a boon, nothing game-breaking, but some edge would be nice" I say quickly before she interrupts me.

She frowns cutely for a moment and jumps off my lap. "Very well. I'll let you have one mod. I'll decide if it's fair or not"

So one mod uh? For the record, while I have played a lot of Skyrim I don't have all the details fresh, nor I have a lot of modding experience. The few I have used are mostly immersion ones, which are going to be useless in this situation. So after a round of inner debate, outer debate and a pizza fight we settled on a mod and got it approved.

"Everyone to Skyrim, make a line in front of me!" cheers my companion. "Let's go through the rules one last time" Oh boy

"Every non-passive ability is blocked unless I say so" So no one

"The mod accorded upon will be activated the moment you get in the world" Yeah, I guess

"An extremely light Gamer interface. Almost non-existent" Why bother then?!

"You have to complete at least the three 'main' questlines, canon divergence is encouraged" Here it comes-

"I reserve the right to interfere and putting you in awkward, weird, inopportune, or dangerous situations if I determine events parallel canon too much" Ah, there it is, the threat.

"And most importantly" I sense regret incoming

"You get me!" cue a cutesy twirl "as a constant companion" Ah, there it is, the regret - OUCH

"Any questions before departure? No? Then let's proceed"

A black portal suddenly manifests itself in the center of the room.

Just where the table was.

"You are gonna pay for that table"

"Do you accept M*sterC*rd?"

**\- AN -**

**So, here it is, my first proper try with fanfiction. Weirdly enough I never tought I would start with an attempt with TES universe, I had plans for either Love Live or MHA, but this thing wrote itself the moment I was trying some mods for journaling.**

**Basically I'm trying to emulate an Isekai, while mirroring the events with the playthrough I just started. This is gonna have a focus in the humor and relationship with the characters, so if you came here expecting awesome battles you are gonna be dissapointed.**

**None of these characters are truly SI. One is a watered-down interpretation of a known character, and the other is an OC with no resemblance to my actual person.**

**If you came here with an alert (though I doubt it) and were expecting an Spanish fic and/or don't recognize me don't worry, you probably followed me more than 5 years ago after my unsuccessful vocaloid attempt. Tough I swear this time I'm gonna finish this one.**

**Lastly, by know it should be obvious that english is not my first language, so critique is encouraged.**


	2. On with my new life

-Last Seed, 18th, 4E 201-

I step into a dimly illuminated room, the sudden change in humidity making me transpire a little. I stretch my arms and mentally prepare myself for the following adventure. I palm my cheeks a couple of times and proceed further inside.

"Okay, let's do this. You are unstoppable, a killing machine! What are some dragons before your awesome mig- OH GOD, THE SMELL!, THE PUTREFACTION!, THE HUMANITY!"

You ever been in a septic tank? Believe me when I say the current odor is just one or two degrees below the retching smell you can whiz from one of those.

"Naia! Where the heck did you send me to?!"

_Oh, don't be a pussy, it just smells. How do you say sometimes? Ah, right 'suck it up'._ Her voice echoes inside my head

"Suck it up she says. I'll make you suck something up alright." I mutter angrily to myself. And regret it a moment later when a wheel of cheese smacks my head. "Ow, Okay, I get you strive for realism, but don't you think this is a tad exaggerated?"

_You wanted a small decrepit room inside an abandoned dungeon to smell like roses? One where the protagonist probably stayed for weeks and had to relieve themselves however they could?_

"But I just arrived!" _Details, details. Now come up, your new life is waiting._

She has a point. Why I bother arguing with her when I can get this over with? "Let's go then. Where is that Mara's statue again?" Ah, there it is. Man, this room is darker than I remember.

"Approach my child" A voice comes from the statue the moment I get in front of it. "And choose where your new life shall begin"

You have to give it to Mara, she has the motherly voice down perfectly. I get the sudden urge to hug the statue. _Mmm~~ if you like it that much we could always play later my little sunshine._

If anybody asks, those shivers were from disgust and by no means anticipation.

"I'm gonna ignore that. Now" I address the statue "I own the Lakeview Manor"

I feel a sudden surge of energy- uh, I am still sensitive to magic, good to know - while, I assume, Mara makes the necessary changes.

"The simple life can be its own reward." If only this was simple Mara, but thanks for the sentiment. I'll try to stop this thing from trolling the divines too much.

_To bed then my boy._ No, seriously, stop it. It gets creepier each time you do it. I reach the bed by the corner and plop down. "Any minute-"

Aaaand I'm in a bedroom. A nice open bedroom, in my new manor. With the odor STILL in my clothes. Couldn't you change my equipment? _I don't smell anything._ I'll hit you. _I'll sue you_

One burning of clothes later "Let's do a checklist. Passives?" _Fire and mental tampering immunity._ "Racial traits and skills?" _None, although I altered you a bit so you pass for an imperial._ "Figures. Equipment?" _Nothing besides what is in the house normally. _"Gamer interface?" _Just will it to appear._

I did so and it isn't as bad as I thought. I have access to the map, my health, magicka and stamina bars. Plus a calendar and a real-time clock. "Mallet space?" _Nothing, that would be cheating._

"Timeframe?" _Just before the attack on Helgen, anything else you'll need to find on your own._ "Fair enough. You're gonna visit or what?" _I still need to find some hole in the barrier so they can't detect me once I do._

With nothing else in my mind, I proceed to check myself in a mirror, better check if she made some outlandish changes. My fears are unfounded, on this at least, as there isn't really any noticeable changes. My black hair is trimmed and less wild. My factions are sharper, but it could be just the age as I clearly gained some height and age. I have the beginnings of a goatee and my eyes are as dark as I remember. All in all, I have no problems recognizing myself.

_...en. Ren!_ "Uh? Sorry, was deep in thought. What did you say?" _I added enough food to last you through half winter in some containers below, so you don't say I'm a bad friend._ "Half of it is cheese right?" _How rude! Of course not. Who do you take me for?_

_It is 4/5 of cheese._ *Sigh* at least I know you put enough variety of flavors

I proceed with the tour of the house. Now, many of you would think. 'You had a chance to use any other interesting mod and you decided on one that just changes how you start!?' And maybe you have a point and there was any other mod I could take that would help me, but I actually thought this thoroughly you see. Besides, any OP attempt was vetoed by my companion, so I had a limited selection of mods I knew personally.

Not only I have a safe place fully equipped with the basics so I don't have to scrap by the first weeks getting enough money for basic necessities; I started before the execution attempt which means I have extra time to plan and get myself ready for the army of overgrown lizards I was going to eventually confront. And the most important facet of my selection:

I have access to all the basic crafting stations. That, for an artificer, is the most important thing to have.

I may not have any magic or extra powers, but my skill in crafting is way off the charts. If this was a game my smithing skill would be past the 200 points. The only thing I truly need is materials and time.

With that in mind, I took some cubes, containers and anything with some metal inside, plus a small corner table, to the basement. I need something to defend myself with, and this should be enough to get by until I can buy some true materials. Or mine them.

Once below I'm assaulted with a really strange sight. Where normally a set of shrines of the divines were placed, now is a single statue of my female companion. Unexpected, but makes sense when you know her.

I simply get some of the cheese by the base, and start working with the materials I brought along. After a couple of hours, I got a high-quality shield and short sword. _I thought you would go full protection._ "I was thinking that at first, but I neither have enough materials nor the physical strength to carry a full armor in battle, especially when you consider my combat style"

"Now" I say while returning to the main floor "I need information and money because you are too stingy with both" _I bought you cheese!_ "And I appreciate it, but I can't precisely use cheese to buy equipment" _Blasphemy! What could be more valuable than cheese? I should make a rain of cheese. Or a rain of blood, so they don't disrespect cheese again._ "Why not cheese flavored blood?" _See? you get me. *Sniff* I knew I didn't kill you for a reason._

"I thought it was more because you couldn't kill me" I responded now outside the house while locking the door. _Do you want to be struck by lightning?_ "No dear" _Then shut up._ "Yes dear"

I decide to stop shaking the hornet's nest, at least for today, and look around for the carria- "Oh you gotta be kidding me" Just next to the carriage, a carriage full of cheese I must add, was Haskill, in all his mad glory.

I approach him and inquire about his presence. "My Lord wanted someone to keep her appraised of what my Lady would do."

"Your Lord is already fucking around with me 24/7" I deadpan "And isn't it glorious? Now, I'd love to keep chatting, but I was tasked to bring the glory of cheese around Skyrim. You are free to take a ride, but I warn my Lady that I have explicit instructions to zap you if you damage any of the cheese" He gets on the only free space in the conductor seat. And as I don't want to tempt fate, or her, by traversing unknown lands by foot with no protection, I try to attach myself to the carriage.

* * *

"Come on in. We got warm food, warm drinks, and warm beds."

I am greeted by cordiality the moment I step inside. Considering how I'm treated daily this makes me want to openly weep. _Hey!, I take offense on that._ If you are offended then treat me better dammit!

"Oh my, are you alright? Come to the fire, you are shivering" More like I am spasming from all the shocks I got on the way here, but sure, some heat would be great.

"Hello" I greet the inn owner once I seat in the stool in front of her. "I'll get anything you have except cheese"

"You are in luck. We just got some venison soup warm and ready." She says while serving some in a plate and bringing it to me. "Want something to drink?"

"No thanks" Ooooh, this soup is great "Mmm, but I could use some information. I need a job"

"Well, you are in luck" she continues while cleaning the tables "We always need extra hands in harvest session"

"I was thinking something more along the lines of sword job, you know?"

"Ha, I took you for a blacksmith apprentice with that sword and shield but no armor in you"

"You aren't exactly wrong, as I made these myself, but I know how to use them"

"If you are that confident then here" she gives me a small bounty note "The Jarl's men came before with this. A couple of bandits in some mine in the west. They mainly attack travelers at night, as there isn't any house nearby, and considering how is the relationship between here and Whiterun the Jarl decided it wasn't urgent enough to send guards directly. A load of bull I tell you, but that's how it's been since the High King's death"

Perfect, my weak ass level 1 self got an easy job to grind some experience. I check the map and sure enough, a small marker appears. And just next to "... my house"

"Something wrong?" And I must have a really weird face as she immediately dropped what she was doing and paid complete attention to what I was doing.

I hate you. _Love you too._

Dear diary. Today I got at the wrong end of Murphy's law. Again


	3. I hate bandits

"My cows!, My bees! My cabbages!" I wept in front of my house.

Right, time for a small recollection.

After placating the innkeeper and reassuring her I was okay she gave me a fur coat and let me be on my way. "I can't just let you go in that sorry state of dress but make sure you come back and tell me what made you so distressed"

A bit warmer and fuller I hit the road and started the trek back home. I did not bother to seek Haskill out, I was not going to inflict myself with his treatment again.

And I get assaulted by a Minotaur.

"Can't you see I'm in a hurry!?" I yell to both the beast about to strike me and the obnoxious voice in my head. _That's what you get for ignoring me._

"Well, SORRY I don't respond to every commentary you do!" I shift to the right, evading a downwards swing and striking with the shield. No good, didn't faze him a single bit. "And I had a good excuse to keep to my thoughts this time!"

_I feel you are exaggerating. Also be careful of those calves_ Ah shit, jump! "Thanks." I evade the sudden backward thrust of the minotaur and stab with all my might with my sword.

The beast yells in pain and I take advantage of his downstate. A couple of hits afterward and I'm forced to retreat. Damm feeble arms.

"Some help would be appreciated!" _Whatever are you talking about? You have this fight in the bag. _Bitch.

I take my shield again and throw myself to its feet. The minotaur didn't expect it and went down. This time I just hack down merciless until the beast no longer tries to move.

"Returning to our conversation". I remark while cutting the horns of the minotaur and cleaning my garbs of monster guts. "I'm worried because our house is not exactly hidden, and It's not as if guards would patrol a Manor that suddenly appeared in the middle of the woods."

I complete my harvesting and start the trek again ."If anything we started a new ghost story about abandoned houses attracting unsuspecting, innocent people, and forced to deal with the rampant pervert with no concept of restraint inhabiting inside"

_I'll let that one pass, If only because I can't find another Minotaur nearby_

* * *

Almost an hour later I was in the clearing in front of my house, lamenting over my very apparent loses.

"My cows! My bees! My cabbages!". _What cabbages?_ "Look at what they've done!".

The house itself was actually okay' ish. The reinforced door had signs of been hit over and over by an ax, but it was clear the bandits were not too strong, as they could not pierce through it. Of course, they just went after the second best thing.

"My harvest! What I'm gonna eat now?!" _You never had crops_.

I kneel next to my poor desecrated yard. Oh, my babies *sniff* you were too good for this world.

"Ok, that's it!". I'm yanked up strongly by a pair of arms. "Quit your self-pity and start doing something already"

"But my cabbages~" I whine a little. "YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY CABBAGES!" Ugh, my head is spinning.

"Ok, ok!" I stop her before she tries to pop my head for real. "Sheesh, can't a man have some time to mourn his possessions?" I get cheesed as a response. "Careful! You want me to end like a certain sex-crazed Irish queen?!". She lashes against me, her arms crumpling the front of my robes and her nose almost touching mine. In any other situation, I would love to be in this position, but by her huffing, I can tell she would tear my tongue off the moment I try anything funny.

"Bandits. Mine. Revenge. Now" She chews out the words and pushes me aside.

"Tch, so needy". Cue cheese wheel. This time I was prepared though. "You coming or what?" I ask her once I was on the mountain road.

"And I'm the needy one. You better entertain me this time, or you'll sleep on the couch."

I stop my cheese munching. "We don't have a couch" She pats my cheek. "Then you better do your best."

And off we go, up through the mountain trail. I pray the snow doesn't get heavier as it is difficult to recognize the path already. I'll take this chance to describe my life partner better.

Naia's current form is petite but clearly feminine. Long eyelashes; clear, bright red eyes; small breasts and wide hips. Her blonde hair dances wildly with the wind and is kept just above her shoulders. Her bronze skin doesn't seem affected by the climate, and she is just wearing a white dress and sandals. All in all, she was beautiful, the perfect image of the cute girl-next-door.

Of course, anyone that pays enough attention to her face would feel an immediate disgust; an urge punch her; a nauseous feeling, akin to the vertigo of being at the top of a precipice. Not because she had an ugly face, no way, but because her face details were too perfect, too symmetric. And yes, I was (mostly) immune to her mind games, if only thanks to how long have we been together.

After some time we reached a small clearing on the edge of the mountain. I glanced down and just as I predicted, I could see the form of a bandit a few meters down, sitting on a trunk without a care of the world. "Enjoy your last moments while you can. You are going to die here, bandit. You are going to die."

I turn to face Naia. "I need a wheel." She gives me one and I immediately toss it to the guy below.

"OUCH!" Perfect. Sword downwards, shield on my back, here I go.

"LEEEROYYY JEEEEEENKINS!" "Gahg~!" "This is for my cabbages you bastard!" "THE CABBAGE IS A LIE!" Cue flying kick to my head.

One bilateral ass-whopping later.

"Let's go inside already, I want to keep the element of surprise." The mine's exterior was deserted except by the late bandit. By the untouched barrels wrapped by cobweb they just got here today or last night.

"Can I also have my sword back please?" I ask her for my sword she wrestled out of my hand after beating me to the ground.

"Sure~!" She smiles sweetly at me. "I'll trade it up for your other sword if you want to." RETREAT, RETREAT.

"No thank you!" I say quickly trying to prevent irreparable damage to my self. "You can keep it." I smile my best fake and totally not frightened smile.

I take the shield off my back and get into the mine, Naia following after and closing the door once she is inside.

I advance covertly through the narrow tunnel, thanking my forethought of light footwear. I reach the bridge and peek down. No mattresses there, figured they were not many bandits. I keep going and follow the intersecting bridge into the mine's deeps.

Good, they don't seem to - "Hey" FUCK! "Wha-!" Shit, I forgot Naia was here. I just hope- "Who's there?!" Aaaan there goes my cover. I start a sprint and sure enough, three bandits are going up the ladders of the innermost cave.

Fortunately, none seem to have anything better than leather armor and iron axes and remembering they couldn't break down a single wood door I'm not wary of their physical strength.

"Fuck it." I rear back my shield the most I can and take aim of the one closer to the floor. "Cover me, I'm going down"

She probably nods as I throw the shield. It serves just to startle him but I'm already jumping down to the fray.

I quickly reach him, grapple his ax off him and bashes my recovered shield in his face. Man, normal people are way squishier than minotaurs.

"AGH- You bastard! I'm gonna kill you!" I bash him again and deck him in the throat for good measure. One down, two to go.

I turn my sight to the upper levels and see Naia taking care of the other two in the distance. Uh, she actually has good sword form.

"Oy!" I get her attention. "Want to pitch me one?" She smirks maliciously and trips one of the bandits over the bridge ropes. I was already in the position below and shield-punches him at mid-fall. Naia gets bored of the last bandit and severs his head from his body.

"You having fun?" I ask her while she climbs down. "A bit. Your suicidal tactics are good for now I guess"

Just as she reaches the bottom the adrenaline starts to leave my body. I get lightheaded, and I realize I got hit a couple of times in all the grappling. Before I drop down I'm caught by Naia, who places both of us on the floor.

And like this I end my first day in Tamriel, surrounded by bodies and cuddling with my girlfriend. Truly, just another Wednesday.


End file.
